Oftentimes, I find myself working backwards.
Here I am once again, taking the tricky route, the loopy lane. Education has always been important to me, even as a small child. Academia inspires me and calls me into its allure of endless information and never-ending knowing.
After I graduated high school (by the skin of my teeth), the idea of learning without my hands held, or tied, was unbelievably appealing to me. My issue was not choosing continuing education but choosing a course of study. With so many subjects and areas of interest to indulge, it seemed impossible to make a decision… It seemed so unfair to have to do so.
I began in psychology and sociology which led me to take and devour every history course that the community college offered. Biology begged me to lend an ear; the science and study of life itself- clearly a contender. Creative writing, photography and the fine arts- my brain wanted to play with it all. Being boxed in one are of understanding seemed abhorrently averse to my own nature. I sit here now a mere three credits away from an Associates Degree in “General Studies”… Whatever that means, I don’t know. Of course it would make great sense to finish the coursework and receive the degree, but I must never make great sense it seems. Pausing and reflecting turned into stalling and stopping any forward progress.
Life continued on.
I married the love of my life nearly at our ten years of knowing one another, and within six months discovered I was pregnant with our first and only child, Aurora. Named appropriately, the Goddess of the Dawn, her sudden existence within my womb inspired a great change in me; a far-reaching ripple effect of transformation. I was no longer me, no longer we, I was to be a mother. Suddenly and serendipitously, life took on a whole new meaning to me.
Being a stay at home mother has been challenging and rewarding beyond all measure. She has taught me lessons and learned me a patience and persistence I could not have attained on my own. Startlingly, I served a purpose greater than myself. This revelation resonated throughout my very being. Ideas like success, security, wealth, and love began to shapeshift and take on new meaning and unfamiliar forms. Her life began my spiritual awakening. I had to unlearn as I was in order to be open to what I might be.
Living in the East Coast of the United States, in this day and age, leaves few of us the luxury of a one-income status as sufficient state of financial security. Yet- childcare and separating my infant daughter from her home so soon also posed a great insecurity within me. Firstly, I would work to provide a salary so that someone else could raise her at least forty hours of the week. Secondly, could my soul survive this? Could our family survive this? Each mother, each family, is dealt a hand in life they must play to the best of their ability, to beat the odds. We chose to stay home in our struggle- a blessing to me. Now, as she reaches her second year of life, our struggles have shifted, and our situation has changed. Surviving is not thriving, and yet this is where we stay.
I now am looking to return to the classroom and attain a degree; revisiting the exact dilemma of a decade ago. Money means nothing to me. However, it seems to be what rules the world. How will I define my place in it through a chosen career? I could continue down a path of currency and further study accounting, management, medical coding, technological systems information… but what do these things mean to me? A paycheck? Is that something I can stomach?? I have great doubts. What will I also teach my child? To follow her dreams despite the herds’ howling? Or to succumb to society, its “reality” and it’s standards?
Struggling and suffering in life are inevitable. How I choose to suffer, or struggle is my choice. Surely trying to study and excel in a classroom while still being her primary caregiver will be challenge enough as is. Should I make the suffering great and unfounded by studying that which might be the quickest ticket to financial gains? Or should I reach for the stars and see where I might land amongst them? Psychology, medicine, history, philosophy… these are my passions. Creative writing and research rev my imagination’s engine.
Perhaps it might take a bit of ingenuity to endure the lessons, to lighten the load. Perhaps another decade of life will need to unfold before me – the pace of my passion, of my chosen career. Perhaps I’ll find myself suited for school within the following year. Perhaps my path is not yet forged before me and reflection and dissection still beckon me forth for digestion. If I am living enough for me, willing to allow what might be, I trust the wind to blow me due north.
LittleWing
BIO
Self-proclaimed student of synchronicity; an old soul in a new age. Wandering in a world of wonder; no stone unturned, no sight unseen. Working with words to find my own way- to hear what I might have to say. Mother to and child of a Cosmic Storm. Aurora – the Goddess of the Dawn. . . the brightest light in my sky.
